Mentor: Mentee- a relationship in which a more experienced or more knowledgeable person helps to guide a less experienced or less knowledgeable person. However, true mentoring is more than just answering occasional questions or providing ad hoc help. It is about an ongoing relationship of learning, dialog, and challenge. (Wikipedia)
When faced with this question a few years ago by a youth, I was willing to provide an answer and definition. It was at the time, simply, inviting another into your life to guide and encourage you. As the mentee, you have the responsibility to lay the foundation for what it is that you are looking for and the time and investment that would be of value.
Today, as I seek a mentor for myself I am challenged to really understand what it is that I long for. I have a sordid history and parental influence in the common sense was less than desired. Perhaps I have an insatiable need for guidance, which could be in part the dense skull encasing my brain.
However, there may be more to the desire for mentorship. I find it curious how much humans value “being known.” This sense of being known often comes from our parents. They have often (obviously not always) invested hours in teaching us and modeling for us how to be members first of a family, then of a community, and eventually a society. These times help us to not only define who we are, but they also help us to define how and where we fit within the larger societal framework.
Years of “mentoring” teens, I have found one thing true of nearly all teens – they do seek to be heard. As a mentor to this group of society, they find comfort if I am simply willing to listen. Of course, my reactions to these teens also play a significant role in how they respond. When I ask questions related to what they say, it seems as if I have empowered them. They begin to share on a deeper level. Is this simply because they are heard for the first time? There are also some to whom I remain unable to reach, is it because I do not care enough? Or is it that I do not have enough overlapping life experience to demonstrate that I am hearing the words or messages they are sharing?
So I think to my own mentoring experiences. Early on, there was a pastor who was willing to bring me into his Bible Instruction Class as an assistant. I did not have history, nor knowledge of what he would teach through the year. But what I did have was a desire to learn.
His love for God, and passion to engage in relationships that deepened relationships with God was inspiring. During the course of the year, I not only learned the fundamental of His faith and denomination, but I learned the deep love he had for God. Remaining in an environment with one who loved God so passionately left me in a place to either chase after a relationship with God in the same way – or run as hard and fast in the opposite direction. Fortunately for me, the love and humility that this pastor had, left me no option but to chase after God in as similar way as I could muster – so that – I would not miss out on anything this God he worshiped had to offer in relationship to His people.
Recently, I have run into another mentorship experience. Meeting a lady who had a similarly deep and respectful relationship with God as this pastor, I longed to learn more from her. Early in the relationship I had asked her to be a mentor. The timing was not right. Yet, over time, mentorship is what she offered.
This mentorship has other unique qualities. While my relationship with God had grown over time, there were still many life challenges that I faced without having had consistent parenting. In some ways, her life experiences could shed light on what I was facing in marriage, human relationships and barriers with God.
To return to the definition above: a relationship in which a more experienced or more knowledgeable person helps to guide a less experienced or less knowledgeable person. However, true mentoring is more than just answering occasional questions or providing ad hoc help. It is about an ongoing relationship of learning, dialog, and challenge.
Taking the first part of this definition, the more experienced/knowledgeable person was this lady. She had been through many similar experiences and been left with similar wounds. By this time in life, most of her wounds had been scarred over with healing. And I am seeking after her for guidance. I wanted to learn how she did life despite her challenging history.
Relating to the second part of this definition – what she was offering was not simply an answer to an occasional question. What she was/is providing is an ongoing relationship. As I mentioned before, my history lacks parental consistency. This was also true in her life. The difference, she had more years of experience working through the challenges that brings. Her experience in walking through the challenges gives me a head start on the same challenges because her knowledge through the experience helps me take less “wrong” roads. Also, the second part of the definition highlights the relationship piece – she invested in me. This time and energy spent offers a greater depth and more complete perspective in reality than walking through the experience alone.
Understanding similar challenges provides individuals with insights and intuition that others do not often have. It almost allows the other person to see into the situation with greater clarity than those most closely involved can see.
A relationship of learning reminds me that all relationships are changing. No relationship stays the same. Even over time, I think of other friends with whom I have not connected, when we connect again, there is change. If we are still on the same page and retain the same synergies, the change is a deepening of trust because even over time, the relationship remains.
Dialogue is important in any relationship. In a mentor/mentee, dialogue is also critical. As there is always a change in a human from one day to the next, it is inevitable that all relationships will change as well. Dialogue matters in this type of relationship so that the mentee can know what to expect from the mentor, and likewise, the mentor is aware of what the mentee needs.
There is also another part to the dialogue. Communication of what is needed, must result in clear communication of what can be provided. While a lot of people remain uncertain of what they need, many are aware of what they can give. If for example I really needed peanut butter cookies (who doesn’t need a good peanut butter cookie?), and the only person in my circle that knew how to make the peanut butter cookies was my mentor then there needed to be some communication. Early on, the hope would be that the mentor would occasionally make peanut butter cookies so I could savor it. Then later, it would be great if the mentor would teach me how to make those cookies. I could even have peanut butter cookie baking parties and teach others. But… what if the mentor only made chocolate chip cookies? Maybe I would not know my need for peanut butter cookies. But if, by chance one day, I stopped by to find fresh peanut butter cookies to discover my “need” for these cookies. Then later, I communicate my “need’ for peanut butter cookies. If then, I only ever see chocolate chip cookies from my mentor, I would begin to wonder if that person really heard or understood me. If I asked again, and they did not offer my guidance to find or to make these cookies, I would begin to ask the question, “Am I not communicating clearly?” If I asked a third time, and still no pointer was given to a store that sold them or an internet suggestion to find a good recipe, I would begin to wonder what kind of mentor it was that I had. Dialogue is bidirectional. To be heard and to be understood.
Challenges in life drive us forward, look deeper, and build strength. If a mentor does not take time to create a challenge, encourage entering into a challenge, then I would begin to wonder if the mentor was in the early stage of mentoring, or if they really were a mentor at all. My own experience leaves me with many challenges. The real question for me is whether I am willing to take on the challenge. Am I really willing to take the time, energy, and sacrifice to respond to the challenge. At times the challenge may not come directly from the mentor, but the challenge may be to share with the mentor what the real challenge is. How open are you for correction, change, and dialogue about that change? Are you willing to step in and allow change to occur with some helpful guidance along the way?